What kind of spiders are common in the UK?


Well, we’ve got that brown one that’s kinda hairy. Small body, long legs, does that scuttly thing from under your bed. It’s usually about an inch across including legs, but sometimes you see one that’s two inches across, and you think ‘bloody hell, that’s a big ‘un!’


These guys also like your bath too, and seem unaware that a plughole is a silly place to live…


We’ve also got a kinda smooth one with a massive arse but smaller legs that lives outside mostly. Light brown with yellowy bits. Goes nuts if you blow on it and bounces up and down in its web, and will get upset if you put bits of leaf in it’s web, so it’ll go and cut them out.


There are the tiny tiny ones that people call money spiders for some reason. (There’s some kind of folklore that if you let it walk all over your hand then you’ll get money, but I don’t think that that is a very sound fiscal policy.) Their specialty is traveling by blowing in the wind, Dylan stylee. This means that you often find them landing on your fucking face on a nice autumn day when you least expect it. They are not dangerous, but you still flail at your face like an idiot for a moment or two. These guys are normally black, but my friend swears he saw a red one once.

We’ve also got a little black one with white bits that looks really harmless, and is only an eighth of an inch or so across, but this little bugger likes to give you a heart attack. He lulls you into a false sense of security but can jump like a bastard. You’ll be a foot or two away and having a look and BAM! he’s either on your face or he’s disappeared. Sneaky, sneaky little fuck.


We’ve also got a couple of them with bodies the size of a grain of wheat, but really long, really spindly legs. They kind of skitter everywhere. People call these ‘daddy long legs’, or ‘harvestmen’ but no one is actually sure if they are spiders, insects or the same thing. We also have a similar looking flying thing with long flappy wings that gets called the same thing, but is definitely an insect, but is remarkably annoying.

That’s about it. There are some tiny red things that run around on bricks and pavements on hot days and squish remarkably satisfyingly, but I don’t think they are spiders.


Hope that helps!


2 thoughts on “What kind of spiders are common in the UK?

  1. Every morning i am finding the ones pictured at the top waiting to scare me under the bedroom door. At the moment they are relatively small so i am not that freaked out, but they get massive. If I could trust them to stay sat under the door frame and leave when they grow up i wouldn’t squish them on my way out.

  2. Just had to say I loved your articles, esp that one on vital services the immigrants provide and the euro zone. Clever funny stuff

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